Being Me in the United States of America

This has been a long time coming; but recent events such as the Steubenville Rape Case, the #YesAllWomen hashtag and George Will's op-ed piece that ran in the Washington Post this past weekend that has pushed me over the edge. Fasten your seat-belts. This may take a while.

I need to say something right up front: We ALL are guilty.

Of what? Misogyny.

It's a terms that's been used a lot lately. It's also one that is met with strong, negative emotions such as hate and denial. You can look up the official definition here. That's not important. It's an old (circa 1656) literal translation of the word's Greek origins. What is important is how the ripples of centuries old ideas manifest themselves in the world today.

The 19^th Amendment was ratified by the majority(and therefore passed) in 1920. Some of you will read that sentence and cheer. I would join you, but I have to wonder... why didn't the Founding Fathers (yes, “Fathers”) give women the right to vote in the first place? I'm not trying to start a fight. I just want to make sure that point isn't passed over. Why argue about that when we can go further and note that it wasn't ratified by every state in the Union until 1984? I'll repeat that... the Constitutional Amendment that gave women the right to vote was not ratified by every state in the United States of America until 1984. George Orwell would be laughing his ass off. Happy 30^th Anniversary 19^th Amendment! And thanks, Mississippi!

Yeah, I know. The fact is it did pass in 1920 (a misogynistic denial-thought if ever there was one) so here's some more recent history. It was legal to deny credit to a woman until the passage of the Equal Credit Opportunity Act in 1984. I was 15. To their credit, credit card issuers seemingly embraced the Act as I was offered dozens of credit cards as soon as I entered college 3 years later in 1987. I'll let the economists argue if granting credit to an 18 year old college freshman was a good idea, but don't forget this one important fact... if I were an adult woman, of sound mind, with a reliable income and solid history of paying my bills on time prior to 1984, I could be denied a credit card for no other reason than than I am a woman.

But this is 2014! We don't do that anymore! I thought so too. And in legal terms we don't (apologies to my LGBT friends who have yet to achieve this legal state). The truth is that legal acceptance is a far cry from social and cultural acceptance, also known as REALITY.

I have the greatest parents in the world. They have allowed me to explore the world at my own pace without passing judgment. However I will never forget the night that I realized for the first time that I was teaching them in addition to them teaching me.

A new boy had come to my high school. He was tall, dark and handsome. I had an enormous crush. Sadly for me he was interested in another girl. He liked her. She liked him. He asked her out. Her father said “No.” Go back a few sentences. He was “dark."

I was crushed! Not that he didn't ask me out, but that the lucky girl who was asked was not allowed to go! At home, around the dinner table one night I said so: “Can you believe it?!?!?!” I'll never forget my parents' faces. At the ripe old age of 16 I could see them question everything they had learned, consciously or not, about how to treat people of a different race flash before their eyes (they are probably reading this and thinking “Damn, I thought we had better poker faces!”). Then they stumbled out “Yes. That's wrong.”

Because my parents are good people. They knew that discrimination was bad (after all, the Civil Rights Act been signed 20 years earlier) yet this was the first time they were confronted with the reality that their own daughter might bring home a boy of a different race. Did this make them racist? No. It was just a possibility outside the realm of their experience, at the time, in the world in which they lived. Laws are merely the first step toward cultural and societal change.

And that is where we stand today in terms of misogyny. Bet you thought I wasn't going to get back to that. Misogyny is so deeply set in our culture that we can't even see it. And by "we" I mean neither men nor women. That is... dangerous.

Two months ago I saw a commercial on TV where a grown man saw a spider, started jumping up and down, and the narrator called him “girlie.” “Girlie.” It's a phrase we've all used (I know I have) and it's terribly gender-specific.

Five days ago Lego announced that it would be making female scientist characters as part of their product line. FIVE DAYS AGO. 

Meanwhile, headlines boost op-eds questioning how woman have contributed to their assaults. Was she too mouthy? Too sexy? What was she wearing? Was she drinking?

Last night my 8 year old goddaughter texted me and I responded, “Hi, Beautiful!” One second later I questioned whether or not I was boosting her self-esteem or telling her that it was important to be pretty. I found myself asking, “What are we teaching our children?”

A child reaches up towards a hot stove. We scream, “NO! You'll burn yourself!” An attractive woman goes out by herself. We yell, “NO! You'll be attacked!”

Be insulted, men. According to several pundits, law enforcement officials, politicians, and judges; you're about as reliable and able to control your actions as an appliance. 'Merica.

I have more faith in men. The vast majority of the ones I know are wonderful and would never, EVER, mistreat a woman. Yet many of those men, and women as well, ask those same questions when rape hits the news.

Here is the hard truth. We have spent decades teaching women that their safety is their responsibility and theirs alone. In doing so, we have taught men that a woman's safety is not theirs. Every time we question how the victim may have contributed to their attack we are not holding the attackers responsible for their actions. We don't stop sexual assault by telling the victims to not be sexual. Humans are sexual. What we need to stop is the assault. The first step in doing so is acknowledging that it happens. The second step is stopping the perpetrators. The third step to teaching and modeling better behavior, ideals and philosophy to everyone.

I do believe that I and my safety are my responsibility. But that means I don't touch the hot stove. It doesn't mean that I don't go out. It doesn't mean that I don't look good when I do. And, no matter what, it sure as hell doesn't mean, under any circumstances, that I'm asking for “it.”